Pop Filth!

Hasselhoff Moving To London?

2006-08-23T15:41:00.000+01:00

Bouffant tele/pop/tits star David Hasselhoff is rumoured to be moving to London. According to ‘a source’ he’s “a fan of swanky London areas like Chelsea and Richmond” and will fly into the capital next week to do a spot of house hunting.

Good news for breweries, bored students and hairdressers… not so good news for razors and chandeliers. When asked if he would consider bringing his car over Dave said: “fucKit”.

See fullish story here. Then sing the entire Baywatch theme tune outloud. In your pants.

Sadie Frost Isn’t A Model Beater

2006-08-02T12:44:00.000+01:00

Remember when the Mail on Sunday alleged that Sadie Frost bashed up a model in toilet? Well apparently nor does the model. In August 2005, they accused her of attacking a young model during the after show party for ‘Project Catwalk’.

They went further and claimed that the attack was so brutal that Sadie even had to undergo professional anger management treatment to address her violent streak.

The Mail on Sunday has now acknowledged that they were probably just lying and have agreed to pay court costs as well as a huge amount of compensation for ‘damage and distress’. Sadie wasn’t present in court - possibly amid fears that she'd beat the shit out of everyone present.

Hoff Hates Being Called Gay

2006-08-01T16:46:00.000+01:00

David Hasselhoff (who DEFINITELY didn’t get drunk at Wimbledon) has been slagging off Piers Morgan, former editor of the Daily Mirror. The two starred alongside one another on Cowell’s 'X-Factor' spin-off ‘America’s Got Talent’, but their relationship goes back further. Hoff blames Morgan for propagating tabloid rumours that he was gay during the Baywatch era. Now in a completely sober statement Hoff jeers:

"Piers! Piers is piercing. Piers is rude. All of America hates him because he made a little boy cry on the show. But now that he is a star, I have taught him that he is fair game because of all the crap he used to write about us. Welcome to our world, Piersy, pal. I am going to tell everyone that he is gay and see how he likes it."

I’ll bet Piersy pal enjoyed being ‘taught’ by Hoff - although I can’t help thinking that when you’re trying to spread a rumour, it’s probably best not to say: "I am going to tell everyone [insert rumour here]"...

Prince William Being Pushed Into Marriage

2006-07-31T16:42:00.000+01:00

Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles are allegedly putting pressure on Prince William to ‘pop the question’ to his girlfriend Kate Middleton. According to a Buckingham Palace insider: “There is a slight stalemate, largely because William is unsure over the timing. The royals can see Kate will be an asset and don't want Wills to let her slip through his fingers.”

Both Elizabeth and Charles have described Kate as ‘just perfect’ and she’s popped over for tea at Balmoral on more than one occasion. Royal pundits – posh people without titles - speculate that Charles and Liz fear a repeat of the Camilla crisis 30 years ago - where she got fed up of waiting for his proposal and galloped off into the sunset.

If they like each other anything like as much as they appear to like each others shoes, they might as well go for it. He should make Harry best man so that they can goose-step round Europe smoking pot on the stag do.

James Blunt: 4th Most Annoying Thing Ever

2006-07-31T15:29:00.000+01:00

Tiny pop warbler James Blunt has come fourth in a poll of the nations’ 100 pet hates. He beat ‘traffic wardens’, ‘brown nosers’ and ‘ring tones’ in a survey of over 2,000 people. ‘Cold callers’ came in first place, closely followed by ‘caravans’ and ‘queue jumpers’.

A spokesman for the drinks company who commissioned the poll said: 'It's the little things that are beyond our control which annoy us the most, like novelty ring tones and noisy eaters.' It’s surprising he can get away with referring to Blunt as a ‘little thing… beyond our control’ but completely understandable.

Mel Gibson Is A Drunk Racist

2006-07-31T11:45:00.000+01:00

Mel Gibson, the bug-eyed star of ‘Mad Max’ and ‘Signs’, has landed himself in a bit of trouble with the law. He was caught speeding under the influence last Friday at 87mph in a 45mph zone. It has since emerged that the Lethal Weapon also spluttered racial obscenities to his arresting officer, James Mee. “Are you a Jew?” Gibson asked stumbling out of the car. “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world” he allegedly ranted.

The revelation came as little shock to Abraham Foxman, national director of the Anti-Defamation league, who once described Gibson’s ‘The Passion of the Christ’ as a “reservoir of hatred”. He told press: “it is unfortunate that it took an excess of booze and an encounter with a traffic cop to reveal what was really in his heart and mind”.

Mel, who denies he’s Australian despite overwhelming evidence, has since apologised for his outburst saying: “I am deeply ashamed of everything I said”.

I just can’t wait for his next film. Maybe he could team up with the Hoff and make ‘Mad Max 4: Knight Rider edition’. The dynamic duo could don leather jackets and screech round America on a massive booze run… Kit screaming racist abuse and firing rockets at any infidels they chance upon.

Gillian Anderson Has Baby Inside Her

2006-07-25T01:33:00.000+01:00

'X Files' star Gillian Anderson is pregnant with a human baby. Quoted in People magazine her manager reports:

"She is happy to announce that she is expecting her second child, due at the end of the year, with businessman Mark Griffiths."

The news comes just 2 months after Gillian broke up from her documentary making husband, Julian Ozanne. However, she has been rumoured to be dating Mark Griffiths, the director of a major wheel clamping firm for some time now.

Oh what a pity... and there was me hoping that Mulder had leapt onto the scene and heroically inseminated her to a thumping remix of the X-Files theme tune. The truth, which is out there (and in fact here) is better for once. One time FHM sexiest is breeding with a man who clamps cars. Fast Forward to birth and Griffiths barking: "stop, do not attempt to remove it" etc.

George Michael Denies Bush Romp

2006-07-25T01:14:00.000+01:00

George Michael has hit out at the News of the World over allegations that he shagged fat, 58 year-old, Norman Kirtland in a bush on Hampstead Heath. Reporters from the paper claim he shouted (when confronted):

"I don't believe it! [bleep] off! I'm not doing anything illegal. The police don't even come up here anymore. I'm a free man, I can do whatever I want. I'm not harming anyone."

George has responded by saying: "This story is total [bleep] but its nice to know the News of the World is still so concerned by my well being."

So concerned it seems that they'll follow him bottom first into a bush.

Colin Farrell Is Dry

2006-07-20T12:25:00.000+01:00

Hairy faced Brad Pitt impersonator Colin Farrell is claiming he’s off the booze. The 30 year old star of ‘Phone Booth’ and ‘Alexander’ told the Daily Mirror:

"I was burning the candle at both ends and the flames met in the middle… It just caught up with me. It was a long time coming but I had my arse handed to me on a plate. Now I haven't had a drink for six months… I have a new-found appreciation for my life…

I wasn't suicidal but I never had much of a will to live a long time. Now I want to watch my son grow up, be his friend and his father, and hang around with him. So he's the greatest priority in my life… Life has been a bit of a blur… It has been a trip and I've worked with some incredible people and seen some amazing places… I'm 30 now but I still think I'm Peter Pan - I don't want to grow up”.

It’d be like having an evil, ‘I never had much of a will to live’ Peter Pan for a dad. Just imagine story time… Col sitting on the edge of the bed, a trickle of black, liquid lung seeping out of the corner of his mouth as he slurs about some sordid little adventure - such as the time he begged a 70 year old dame for sex... his son staring at him in bemused horror as he gets up, stumbles over to the window mumbling “I can fly, I can fly” and then topples out in a plume of yellow smoke.

Savage Garden Singer Is Gay And Married

2006-07-20T00:11:00.000+01:00

Remember Savage Garden, the Aussie duo who brought us chart-topping, helium-filled pop ballads such as "Truly, Madly, Deeply" and "I Knew I Loved You"? Well lead singer/songwriter Darren Hayes has 'come out' and announced that he has married his 'boyfriend of two years':

"On June 19th, 2006, I married my boyfriend of two years, Richard... I can honestly say it was the happiest day of my life. "I feel lucky to live in an era where my relationship can be considered legally legitimate and I commend the UK Government for embracing this very basic Civil Liberty...

I'm proud of who I am, and after what felt like an eternity, I'm finally in a place where my heart is secure and content. And I can finally make sense of all of the searching."

I know he was previously married to a woman (high school sweet heart Colby Taylor) but he hasn't exactly 'Da Vinci Coded' his sexuality. First look at his eyebrows in the picture on the right and then look at his 2004 interview with 'Boyz Magazine'. He even put it on his website and did a really gay pose for them.

Cheryl Tweedy Disgusted By Pre-Nups

2006-07-19T23:28:00.000+01:00

Cheryl Tweedy, pictured here kissing a rat, hates couples who opt for pre-nups. They're not savvy, they're "disgusting" she snorts. Here's her phlegmy rant in all it's glory:

"I think it's disgusting. I could understand if you're 93 and you've got billions of pounds and this 24-year-old wants to marry you in a month...

But we're a work in progress. We're going to build our married life together. We're not even thinking about if it ever ends."

Phew, well it's just as well Cheryl's nothing like the woman in her description. She's 23 and her new hubby Ashley Cole's only got millions of pounds - so there's absolutely no danger there. No way.

Kasabian Have Split Up

2006-07-19T22:29:00.000+01:00

A bit... well ok, not really. Their mop-top guitarist/keyboard player Chris Karloff (second from right) has left. Using the age-old 'It's not you it's me' break-up line the band cited "artistic differences". However, according to a source of 'The Sun' there's a whole host of slightly less dull reasons:

"Chris has been clashing with Tom for a long time... After the last tour Chris refused to return to their home town of Leicester with the rest of the band and went to his house in America instead...

That really annoyed the lads and they gave him an ultimatum, 'Come back and work with the rest of us or leave'... Chris was exhausted from the gruelling schedule and didn't want to go through it all over again... But the boys had had enough and gave him the push."

While Karloff "pursue[s] a musical career elsewhere", Kasabian - the secret love-child of Oasis & Stereo MC's - will be off supporting the Rolling Stones in Europe. He must really hate Leicester...

Pamela Anderson Will Marry Rock

2006-07-19T17:55:00.000+01:00

Grab your hat and fake tits, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting married in just over a week - July 29th according to 'US Weekly'. Pammie's online diary reveals her innermost immodium-free thoughts:

"It's been a whirlwind... spontaneous but well thought through... Feels like I've been stuck in a time warp... Not able to let go of MY family picture... it's been sad and lonely and frustrating... I've raised my kids alone in hope of a miracle...

... Well my miracle came and went. And came back and back because he knew that I'd wake up one day and realise that I was waiting for nothing... I'm moving on... I feel like I'm finally free... I'm in love."

My heads about to implode with ideas and questions. What are these 'whirlwinds' and 'time warps' of which she speaks... when can we expect the 'miracle'? Her mind is like an evangelical theme park.

Jordan Wants Keira Knightley

2006-07-18T21:39:00.000+01:00

Jordan, wife of 'I've had a nose job but nobody seems to have noticed' Peter Andre, plans to make a TV movie of her bestselling book 'Angel'. She told press:

"That is definitely happening. We haven't got as far as thinking about who will play me yet though." She went on to suggest Keira Knightley for the role saying: "She's stunning and a very good actress. I'd want someone quite high profile like her doing it."

Well, she is high profile in the sense that Jordan could just about hug her knee if she wore heels. But that's one of three minor issues. She's probably drop-kicking Bloom and Depp into the Caribbean right now, so that she can focus all her energy on becoming a busty orange.

P Diddy Wants You To Stink

2006-07-18T20:49:00.000+01:00

Of him. He's currently working on launching "version two" of his successful fragance. He also told Sky's Neil Sean that he plans to dive head-first into the metrosexual market with his "own range of skin grooming products".

"It will be available in the early part of the new year. I think I can provide for everyone's needs for a successful and beautiful life."

I think I can run faster than light when I'm drunk, R Kelly believes he can fly... I don't see any reason why P Diddy can't provide for everyone's needs for 'a successful and beautiful life'.

Why not? Toothpaste makes me speak better, and ever since I changed deodorant I've kept finding supermodels hiding in my cupboards.

Justin Timberlake Takes Loads Of Drugs

2006-07-18T15:23:00.000+01:00

Cry me a river... of liquid ecstasy. Pop chipmunk Justin Timberlake has revealed that it's not just older women that get him high. He told 'Observer Music Monthly':

"I'm just like everyone else, I get completely plastered, I've done my fair share of drugs and I've been caught places with my pants down. It's just I make sure there are no cameras around...

...They always say too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. I try to live my life in a well-rounded manner. We all make mistakes. I've done too many drugs already. I've already inhaled and already - who knows? ...the drugs I do have been in my own private time."

'Who knows?' Oooh he's so coy. It's strange; now that I know he does drugs, I feel compelled to buy everything he's ever produced. It's like he's cuddly pop fluff AND naughty rock crack all at once.

Tommy Lee And Dave Navarro Tongue Each Other

2006-07-18T15:20:00.000+01:00

Here they are at the ‘Rockstar Supernova’ launch party. Dave’s breaking up with Carmen Electra so it makes complete sense that he’s tonguing Tommy.

If 'Rockstar Supernova' is anything like ‘Rockstar INXS’, judge Navarro’s tongue will dart out of Tommy’s mouth and up the contestants’ bottoms faster than you can say "varifocals".

Gordon Ramsay Gets Sprayed In The Eye

2006-07-18T15:17:00.000+01:00

Gordon Ramsay got a taste of his own medicine, in the eye, during filming of Channel 4’s ‘The F-Word’. He was *tutoring* a team of A & E doctors when Emergency specialist registrar Lucy Bingham sent a stream of boiling hot water searing into his eyeball. She recalls:

"I'd got knocked as I was moving a pan of stock and it fell on to the hob, which is blindingly hot, and it splashed back up at him. I thought, 'It's Gordon Ramsay, ace chef, and I've blinded him.' I was really worried…

I immediately went into doctor mode and thought, 'Sod the kitchen' and rushed over to him. I think he was startled and shocked but thankfully he was fine. I got away without any swearing from him because I think he found it quite amusing how I flipped so quickly into being a doctor."

It’s a shame he wasn’t teaching people with rabies. One whiff of cooked eyeball would have sent them into ‘kill mode’ and we could have seen them tear away at his flappy face skin. It’d be like watching ‘Dawn of the Dead’ without allegory.

Primal Screamer Gets Hurt In The Face

2006-07-18T13:52:00.000+01:00

Primal Scream frontman Bobby Gillespie turned up late for his recording on ‘Top Of The Pops’ because he was recovering from being beaten up in a hotel bar.

According to a band spokesman, after a gig in Madrid "Bobby was in the hotel bar when a guy lunged at him in an unprovoked attack that left him with facial injuries." A UK source added: "Bobby turned up for filming sporting two nasty-looking black eyes and a swollen nose… He looked like he had taken one hell of a beating. Everyone was amazed he even turned up… It’s not easy to hold a note when your nose is broken."

There’s currently no word on what possessed the mystery lunger to go for Gillespie. I can only imagine that Naomi Campbell was in town. Having spied a medicore starter nearby, she probably mistook him for some sort of priceless cushion or light fitting.

Carmen Electra And Dave Navarro Marriage Breakdown

2006-07-18T00:06:00.000+01:00

Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro have split after nearly 3 years of marriage. There is no news as yet as to why the marriage has broken down, but Electra's PR reports that "they are amicably separating." I would have put it: "separating amicably" but nevermind.

Dave - a hairy, but expertly manicured dwarf - was probably batting a little above his league. Having said that, his predecessor was Denis Rodman and he's possibly the ugliest man alive, so it could be worse.

Looking at her men, she clearly likes tattoos. Denis, Dave and [ahem] former 'flame' Tommy Lee all have them in abundance. Maybe she can upgrade and marry Blink 182... or even better, that man with the cat face.

Fleas Make Crap Dads

2006-07-18T00:00:00.000+01:00

Red Hot Chili Peppers' infamous bassist Flea is rubbish at soothing injured children. He told Manchester radio station Key 103 that when his daughter banged her head:

"She was crying a lot, so I locked her in the closet. I couldn't hear her any more so I presumed she was asleep."

Nice. Although I think the head banging and crying had more to do with her upset at being named 'Sunny Bepod Balzary' than anything else. It sounds like one of Shakespeare's curses after 10 cans of Special Brew.

Naomi Campbell Has Smashing Starter

2006-07-17T21:09:00.000+01:00

Naomi 'likes a fight' Campbell has go on a fighty rampage again - this time on water. It all started when she decided to treat her new beau Prince Badr Jafar to a deluxe meal onboard his £1.5 million yacht. She hired a local chef from il Porto in Viareggio, where they were docked, to do the honours.

When Naomi saw the chef's choice of starters and wine selection, she started screaming. Her rage soon esclated and a battle with nearby furniture commenced.

Italian press estimate the diva damage at around £30,000 ($50,000). Priceless antiques, china plates, crystal glasses, light fittings and cushions were among the casualties.

I completely understand where Naomi's coming from. There's nothing worse than settling down to meal with your billionaire partner... on a yacht, only to have someone less beautiful than yourself fail to read your perfect mind. He should have his incompetant head impaled on the mast.

Nicole Richie Is A Hippie

2006-07-16T23:30:00.000+01:00

A happy Nicole Richie was spotted leaving the super trendy Kitson boutique in Beverly Hills. It must be hard finding clothes that fit when you weigh less than air. Unless of course you dress like a hippie. Then it's ok.

She seems to be going for the ~~drape some ill fitting, colourful rags over your bones~~ 'bohemian chic' look at the moment. It must be working for her; even her neck ribs are smiling.

Paris Hilton Gropes Women

2006-07-16T23:23:00.000+01:00

Paris celebrated the launch of her debut album, 'Paris Hilton' with a celebrity booze up at the Polaroid beach house in Malibu.

Oil dick Brandon Davis took time out from rehab to join in the festivities. According to Splash News, he spent his entire time "slamming cocktails and smoking".

Who cares. I'm more interested in Paris's lesbian glove. When she's wearing it she's all: 'lift your arm up so I can fondle your breast', but as soon as it's off she looks disgusted - like she's just seen a poor person.

Avril Lavigne Loves Wang

2006-07-16T20:05:00.000+01:00

Canada's favourite punk midget has tied the knot. She married Sum 41 frontman, Deryck Whibley at a private estate near Santa Barbara, California yesterday.

Far from being a grubby festival of stripey pop socks and goth cakes, the couple went for an uber-traditional affair. The Associated Press reports:

"Lavigne wore a Vera Wang gown, carried white roses and was walked down the aisle by her father as Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" played".