Filthy Unventions

No, not birds of the emotion, tampons and nipples variety. I’m talking REAL birds. Birds that flap and shit tipex.

Ever gazed out of your window and watched a bird peck at seeds or wrestle a worm? Sexy isn’t it? Ever seen a bird perched on a branch and thought: I’d love to use my cock as a bird feeding table?

You need Bird WANG.

In conjunction with Bill Oddie, Geoff Capes and Japan we proudly present Bird WANG: the world’s first cock bird feeding table.

For a one off payment of £4,578.99 we’ll rush you Bird WANG, an ergonomic, platinum penis perch direct to your door.

Simply skewer Bird WANG’s rod end firmly into the ground, rest your wanger in the V-Shaped penis holder provided and sprinkle on bird feed. Liberally. Marvel as the birds swoop in droves to peck, gouge and hammer at you pecker.

Joy is just a phone call away.

Buy Bird WANG today and receive a complimentary 1kg bag of ‘potent penis’ bird feed.
** STOP PRESS ** Buy Bird WANG yesterday and receive a signed picture of Bill Oddie wanking an owl.

Struggling to stay awake at work? Tried all the traditional methods: caffeine, crystal meths, bum fingering?

You need Jab-a-wake the only anti-sleep device with a PROVEN 43% success rate among insomniacs, rapists and unborn chimps.

Simply glue Jab-a-wake to your left shoulder blade, insert 17 AAA batteries and press ‘ON’.

At random intervals throughout the day Jab-a-awake’s patented ‘Robot Arm’ technology will whirr into action and poke you DIRECTLY in the eye. Over and over again. Until blood cascades from each of your eye sockets.

Accidentally nodding off at work? Not any more you’re not. You’re about to get a sharp and refreshing jab in the eye.

Image conscious? Worried people might call you names like: ‘freak’, ‘eye-fucker’ or ‘weird cunt’? Don’t panic, we’ve got it covered. Each Jab-a-wake is designed to look EXACTLY like a child’s hand, right down to the chubby fingers and bleeding nails.

Jab-a-awake costs just £27.93 and comes with a 31 day guarantee that you’ll never fall asleep again. Ever.

Love making nuisance calls? Wish you had an extra pair of hands so you could make MORE? Wish you had more phones? Wish you had more mouths so you could abuse several people at once? Well, help is here with NEW Multi Phone Nuisance Call Pro 5000.

This is amazing unvention allows the busy nuisance caller to multi dial up to 50 people simultaneously and abuse them all at once. How does this work I hear you cry?

It’s simple, the Multi Phone Nuisance Call Pro 5000 speed-dials random numbers using it’s coveted ‘pulse tone’ technology. Once the line picks up it automatically selects a message from any one of the Multi Phone Nuisance Call Pro 5000’s 4,999 pre-recorded messages.

Contains such messages as:

• “Smell my bell”
• “I’ve been watching you”
• “Everyone hates you”
• “Jizz off”
• “Gosh you’re a cunt”

This is the ideal toy for the professional nuisance caller who just can’t find time in his busy schedule to abuse strangers. Perfect for whiling away an evening with your trousers round your ankles. The Multi Phone Nuisance Call Pro 5000 let’s you cling onto your special brew and masturbate furiously - without breaking a sweat.

Buy today and get NO bonuses, and an overwhelming sense that you’ve just SPUNKED your money on nothing.

Ever arrived at a pub only to find that there aren’t any seats available?

Hang on a minute, look over there in the corner. There’s a table with enough space to seat 24 orphans, 6 wardrobes and a cow. Hoorah! you cry.

But wait… oh no… there’s someone sitting there. Look at him chuffing away on his Gauloise, sipping wine. The space-stealing CUNT.

You can’t surround his table hoping he’ll leave, that’d be intimidating… besides he’s carefully adorned the table with newspaper articles in a bid to look CLEVER.

Don’t panic, Invisi-Sick’s here to help. Subtly place Invisi-Sick in any pub corner, position it’s patented directional nozzle at Callum/Piers’ face and stand back.

The moment you press ‘FUCK OFF’ on your handy fun-size remote, Invisi Sick will erupt 8 litres of warm, gloopy sick all over the table hogger’s stupid cunt face.

Hey you man.

Who me?

Yes, I’m talking to you.

We’ve all been there before, night out, few Britneys, maybe some pharmaceuticals. The time comes. You need a PISS. You go to the toilet, head for the urinal only to find other men there pissing. Fuck. But now you have to go, because if you don’t it looks like you’ve come in to look at COCKS. You anxiously whip out your frightened member and phleurrrgggh… you’ve got STAGE FRIGHT.

You hum, you mumble, you whistle, you do what you can to let it flow, but it’s no go. And now it looks like you’ve come in to look at COCKS. Not just any COCKS, PISSING COCKS.

The SHAME.

But relax, for help is at hand, thanks to the easy to install and easy to use PISS PEN. Simply attach the PISS PEN the undercarriage of your love stick when it’s a no-go, press the PISS PEN button and hey presto, the magic penis piss pen emits a yellow piss like liquid.

Now you can breathe a fat sigh of relief, safe in the knowledge that the men standing next to you will get copiously splashed with your warm yellow liquid. You can bet your life they’ll leave that urinal thinking you’re a real MAN, not a COCK WATCHER.

Tired of being treated like a fat leper just because the smell of public transport disgusts you? Fed up with ‘red’ Ken taxing you to cruise downtown in your pimped up Nova?

Well now you can throw a LARGE HANDFUL OF SHIT at the Congestion Charge thanks to ‘Ken-Fucker’ - the revolutionary new Congestion Charge invisibility cloak.

“What the fuck is that?” I hear you cry.

‘Ken-Fucker’ is the gobsmacking fruits of a 10 year top secret collaboration between the finest minds in modern science: NASA, MI5 and Mick Hucknell.

Each unit comes with a hi-tech polyurethane sheet, lovingly hand-painted by specially trained pygmy ninjas. Once applied it seamlessly camouflages your car as an everyday road (complete with potholes, dogshit and pissing tramps). So what do the cameras see? Why just a car sized piece of road trundling do the road. TAX THAT!

So next time you drive into town simply stick ‘Ken-Fucker’ to your car with the pritt stick and eucalyptus gum provided and HEY PRESTO! You’re now totally invisible to fascist, wallet-hating Congestion Charge Cameras.

What better way to tell Ken to go fuck himself up the arse with a burnt out Lada? None.

Ever wanted to let rip a flurry of poisoned arrows at someone like a man-sized spitting Cobra?

Well now you can, and with ‘ASBO Stop’ you don’t even need an excuse to start firing. ASBOs are legally fair game FACT! Particularly if you hit them directly in the eyes.

Each ‘ASBO Stop’ set comes in a teak display case, gift wrapped in ASBO skin and semen.

Remember people it’s not a crime to shoot DIRT!!

Tired of shitting out small, girlish, excrement? Wish you could squeeze out a long, steaming, turdy behemoth EVERYTIME?

Don’t worry, help is on its way with NEW ‘Give a Shit’ for men. Rub this Haitian tree oil onto your crusty spinchter after every meal and BOOM your poo will shatter even the most stubborn cisterns.

No longer will you suffer the humiliation of knowing that ‘the next shitter’ will see your sad, pellety turds bobbing up and down in their piss. No siree. With ‘Giganta-turd’ you’ll have alpha male shitters literally jizzing into the palm of your hand.

Let’s face it, most of us wank because we’re bored, ugly - or because we’ve just seen a sexy, naked dwarf.

But is that really enough?

Is it wank! Wanking’s now so much better and it’s all thanks to tight fisted bods at the ‘Big Hand’ University in Tring.

Once you slip your clammy fingers into the ‘Wankomatic’s’ soft velvety sockets you simply won’t be able to take them off - literally, it’s welded to your hand with mud, shit and toothpaste.

I know what you’re thinking… what colours can you expect the wankomatic to make you cum in? Well that all depends on the contents of your balls. Honestly, blue, orange, marigold… take your pick. WHAT!? I hear you cry. I’ve only ever seen white/curdled yellowy viscous fluids escaping from my testicles.

That’s the beauty of wankomatic. Using Global Hypercolour’s proprietary ‘tint technology’ we’ve really wanked up a storm. Blood in your semen? Don’t worry, wank on your hand and the wankomatic glove will instantly turn it royal blue. Flakes of shit shimmying off your bell end? Wankomatic says vivid chamomile.

Look, just try it for just 30 days and if your balls aren’t emptier than a bulimic’s anus we’ll send you an additional 4,000 gloves absolutely free.